Happiness

I recently took the CBEST, the required test to allow someone to be a substitute teacher in California, and one of the essay questions was about happiness. The question made me realize three things: I'm not happy; I could be happy; and I write poor essays under pressure. I must admit that I didn't realize the "I could be happy" thing until after thinking about it for some time. What follows is the result of my thinking and probably should have been my essay.

Happiness is really a state of mind that is most usually facilitated through the appreciation of the ordinary and small occurrences of daily life. Unfortunately, happiness is easily overwhelmed by big events and strong emotions, even joy, which is often thought to be exquisite happiness. In point of fact, it appears that almost anything can override happiness. All it takes for happiness to be lost is to lose the sense of appreciation, of contentedness.

I have had some truly joyous events in my life, my marriage to Marilyn, the birth of my children, and while these led to some truly happy moments that could not have occurred without those events, I look back on them with awe and memories of being stressed or concerned or proud. Maybe happiness was in there but when I truly remember happiness, I think of waking beside Marilyn the day after our wedding or my children's first steps.

Then after battling cancer for two and a half years, Marilyn passed away. Until the month of actual passing there were even happy situations during the battle. Admittedly they were fewer than the previous twenty-seven plus years but we did laugh and enjoy just being together. After the passing, however, even my memories of all our happy times became tinged with sadness. It's not that they were somehow less happy but the knowledge that I would no longer be adding to them and the overwhelming missing just took my thoughts from the happy to the loss. Sadness also overrides happiness.

Now almost two years after her passing, with the full realization that the basis for happiness is appreciating the moment, except for some very limited moments, I've been unhappy. While I can't change the past, I can try to recapture the ability to appreciate, to be happy. In fact, I think I'll make it my New Year's resolution. Even if you can't be happy about it, you certainly can appreciate the attempt.