Two Years Ago

Two years ago to this very minute my wife of almost 30 years passed away, December 23, 2007, 3:02 PM PST. Her official time of death is two hours later because somehow we caught Kaiser in a shift change and the person who should have come didn't and the next shift didn't hear about it until an hour or so into their shift. I never really cared what the Death Certificate said. I can't even vouch for the accuracy of the clock I looked at and do not know whether the nurse used that clock or a watch of her own and how accurate that watch, if used, may have been.

In most ways I was glad to be with her when she passed but they primarily had to do with her. Most of all, I didn't want her to be alone. It was almost time for the second dose of powerful pain killer but I had gone into her room just to be with her. I had a couple foam pads on the floor where I slept at night and was just laying on them. I may have been reading but I can't remember what. I can't recall what I heard or didn't hear but I jumped up and held her hand. Her throat moved a few times in a parody of gasping for air but her lungs weren't moving. After the motion stopped, she looked dead. Just a few minutes before she may not have looked well but she was very much alive.

Then all my children and their spouses arrived, well two spouses and one soon to become a fiancee. I don't recall who called Kaiser, who checked her pulse, but I do know who started crying. Soon the family was all doing it anyway. I don't know how long we cried but we weren't when Kaiser came or later when the mortuary came. I still do off and on, like right now. Even the great memories, and there are a lot of them, which are in themselves memories of happier moments can lead to tears as I re-realize the loss.

Her last words to me, which had occurred some days earlier, were, "I know." This was in response to my statement, "I will always love you."

As her disease and the battling of it consumed us, we basically had one common regret beyond the fact of the disease itself. Neither of us liked what it did to our relationship as we slipped into patient and care giver roles. The Gerson Therapy is time consuming and at least in her case it didn't work, or her inability to do it fully allowed it not to work. We were able to get back to being a couple in the early part of 2007 and then later in 2007 when I was able to bring in afternoon/evening help rather than doing it all myself when I got home from work.

Ah work. I couldn't afford to quit, not that Marilyn would have let me, but after I was laid off I often thought to myself, "Why couldn't this have happened a year earlier." Work was a mental change but not a big enough one. I talked with Marilyn at least once a day by phone as many days as she could. My employees, peers, and boss were very understanding. Many of them came to the memorial/open house we had, even though it was right between Christmas and New Year. Then we repeated it in January at her sister's house in Columbus for our families and friends who couldn't make it to the West Coast.

I've been blessed and sustained by people who care, who have helped me now through two years. While I hope no one has to go through loss, I want to be there for others like all who have been here for me. Thank you!