Memorileum

This post is intended to celebrate the significance of nothing and absence can be quite significant.

Yesterday, and for quite a few days before that, I overindulged, not so much in the quantity of food, although I'm sure I ate too much as well, but in the type of food. I keep telling myself that even vegan food can be bad for me. With high fat content vegan cookies, refried beans with guacamole burrito, mashed potatoes with vegan no trans fat margarine, and the list goes on, I had eaten myself into an upset stomach that a newly purchased Tums Ultra bottle wasn't making a dent in.

Now I know why I was doing it, a hopefully mild form of depression. Even if mild, I'm not motivated to do anything, except eat and watch TV, which, except for fixing the food, are both demotivating. When watching TV, I tend to stay up later because of the effort it takes to go to bed. After I eat, I am lethargic to the point that all I want to do is watch TV.

When my father was in college, I read his Behavioral Psychology text. At the time, I didn't agree with all of it and probably still don't but with my greater understanding of nutrition and the role it plays in a persons immune system or even chemical balance, I may agree with it more now than I did then. Besides, I have been able to smile at myself in the mirror and lift my spirits and attitude. Smiling for others improves any interaction you might have with them, reinforcing the improvement. I know that I like to think when I walk, hike, or even cross-country ski but those thoughts can sometimes take on a form of worrying. So, what I've been doing recently is follow some advice I picked up out of The Secret: "[Think] thank you" as I stride, "thank" on my left foot and "you" on my right foot. I don't know whether or not it has the effect that the book alludes to but it does tend to mentally relax me with a true feeling of gratitude and my mind no longer races around without going anywhere.

All of this is making a short story long but I also know why I am hopefully mildly depressed. In addition to the stock market collapsing, I live in a memorileum. Literally everything reminds me of Marilyn, even the things that are new to me are distinguishable by their lack of direct ties to Marilyn, although many of them can have a memory tie. An example of the latter is the MacBook I'm using right now. After we moved to Pacifica, Marilyn went to a digital picture class where the instructor was able to do some amazing things with a Mac. Marilyn said she wanted a Mac but didn't want me to get one for her. I got this MacBook last January, not because of Marilyn but because I was fed up with the hardware and software quality that I had gotten from PCs. There is even a Marilyn story for the hiking boots I am wearing right now. In early 2005, Marilyn wanted to make a quick stop at REI for some birthday shopping. I headed over to a nearby Starbucks for some headache prevention. (It is so good to be off of caffeine.) I got done before she did and wandered into REI looking for her. She was still shopping so I went by the hiking boot area and noticed these on sale. I bought them. I can't believe they are that old.

Even on my walk around the neighborhood this afternoon, to mail a couple envelopes and return three misdirected envelopes, I was reminded of Marilyn. There is this monstrosity of a house just around the corner on Glacier. It is a full three stories tall. They got away with the third story because the access to it is through pull down stairs, making it an attic. (This is something like the PT Cruiser being a truck.) I know this because on one of my walks with Marilyn, she went into the construction site and we went up those pull down stairs at least part way to see the size and finish of the rec room attic. I would have never done something like that on my own. Thanks to Marilyn, I've been in quite a few Pacifica houses.

So, I've changed my behavior, at least for today. I have gone on a one day fast of water and Metamucil only. I have left the TV off and will see if I have the will power to leave it off for good. I intend to start eating again tomorrow, but just the wholesome low fat foods I should be eating.

I also intend to do more, not just because doing more will give me more to write about, but because new memories...